


Holding Onto Hope

by Symbertaine



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Coma, Crying, Jesse summons the dragons, M/M, Mission Gone Wrong, The hat is important, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 05:33:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12647109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Symbertaine/pseuds/Symbertaine
Summary: During his time with Overwatch, Hanzo had seen missions go badly, go scary and go near-deadly. He just never expected the day where a mission that seemed so simple would have such a grim and Heartbreaking ending.





	Holding Onto Hope

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is heavily based off the McHanzo comics by Gunnslaughter on Tumblr. The emotions it gave me were too much to NOT write something sad about but I added in McCree summoning Hanzo's dragons, among other scenes. Also posted on wattpad under Crawford_Krysler. This was made in 3 hours and not heavily proofread so if it sucks, im sorry.

"Wake up, Master" there was a voice that penetrated the darkness, dark and familiar. Was it Jesse? No...couldn't be. Too gruff , much too formal and without the Southern drawl he loved so much. As he came to more and more, he knew something was wrong

There was a terrible pounding in his head when Hanzo Shimada awoke that was only exacerbated by the sharp beeping noises around him and the bright lights above him. Along with the pounding was an aching in his lungs he couldn't shake. His eyes fluttered open and he could feel something light and airy laying on his chest. He peered down to see one of his dragons, Soba, atop his chest in a coil. That wasn't exactly a surprise but what was a surprise was the room he was in. It wasn't the normal medical ward and was far too silent, sans the beeping sound that was produced from the fancy equipment lined up around him. 

"Where are we?" He asked Soba in his native tongue, cringing at his voice. It was much scratchier and hoarse than he expected. 

"In the hospital" Huh, so it was. He sat up in the bed and rubbed sleep out of his eyes. His limbs felt heavy as lead, though that didn't deter him.

"Something happened," he mumbled, racking his brain for details, anything on what could have possibly landed him in the foreign wing of the hospital with nobody, not even Angela around to greet him upon waking up. There was the absence of a certain cowboy, too but that didn't even occur to him in his dazed and tired state. Soba tilted his head and blinked up at his master slowly, cautiously like the topic was a time bomb ready to go off.

"You don't remember? You got hurt," he confirmed, if the bandages wrapped firmly around his head wasn't already a good enough indicator that. Hanzo huffed slightly as the dragon still seated on his lap continued. 

"In the future, it would be wise if you would be more careful" the sass wasn't lost on Hanzo as he glared down at the dragon and pouted. 

"You're a rude one..." then it hit him. Only Soba was present. Where was his partner?

"Where is Udon?" he almost wished he hadn't asked because Soba's only reaction was to turn his head over to the left. Hanzo followed the dragon's gaze over the other bed that sat empty on the other side of the room with nothing atop the matress but Udon, who was curled up in a tight coil protectively around a painfully familiar hat. Jesse's hat. Where the man was, he couldn't guess but the moment Hanzo laid eyes on the hat, his heart sank. Jesse never went anywhere without that hat if he could manage it and to see it without his wearer was frightening, but not seeing a body for closure made it even worse. Not even caring he was supposed to remain in the bed until someone came and informed him, he shot out of the bed and shooed Udon away. The brim of the hat was cold, even after the dragon's touch. He lifted it to his chest, brain flying into a state of panic as he tried to piece together where on earth Jesse could have gone. He was busy convincing himself that he was overreacting when the tears began pricking up in his eyes. Did Jesse go somewhere? Was he grieving? Was he safe? Those questions and more tugged at his brain and he felt the beginning of a breakdown forming slowly. The door to the room he was in shot open and brought him back to reality. Lucio shuffled in and couldn't get a word in edgewise as Hanzo immediately began to press. 

"Where is McCree?" Lucio's face contorted into discomfort and confusion at the sudden question. 

"Mr. Shimada, why are you out of bed?" 

"Has he left?" Lucio's patience was thin, for reasons Hanzo didn't even want to dare consider as he insisted he go back to bed to be checked over. Their little exchange continued for a solid couple of minutes and both men's patience was wearing thin. 

"Mr. Shimada, I'm telling you for your own sake that you need-" 

"I demand to know where McCree is" he wasn't budging without knowing where his idiot cowbow had gone or what he was doing. If McCree was off drowning his sorrows and killing his liver, Hanzo knew he had to stop him. If only Lucio would just listen to him, already!\

"You're supposted to be in bed and resting, not up and searching for someone!" 

"Where is he?" He was wholly willing to push straight past Lucio and begin asking Agents himself if the DJ didn't stop being so damn stubborn. 

"You sustained a head injury!" 

"I must know!" If he sounded desperate there, he simply didn't care in that moment. Both he and Genji were raised to always keep their posture and never let any sort of emotion akin to desperation show in their voices or actions, but to hell with it. 

"Rest is your biggest priority" Like hell it was, Jesse was his biggest priority and Lucio had to have known it

"Answer me!" His voice was gruff and harsh, he knew, but still it didn't frighten Lucio in the slightest and annoyingly, the Brazilian held his ground

"I can't!" Lucio's answer was more feeble and for a moment, Hanzo thought he might have finally convinced him to just say where Jesse had gone, but no answer came. That was it! He would no longer play this foolish game with the other. He was getting answers any way he could, head injury be damned. He could feel the dragons' energy rising from his arm and channeling itself down to his fist. The gown he was wearing was shredded at the sleeve but he took no notice. 

"Where is Jesse?!" Hanzo's scratchy voice was raised into an infuriated shout that sounded more pained than he had hoped. The blue energy rippled down his skin and the room was illuminated blue. Lucio took a step back towards the door but kept trying to get through to Hanzo that he should not be up and exterting himself like this. With a harsh cry of his name, Lucio glared down Hanzo, but before any sort of fight could occur, the door shot open again and in walked Angela Zeigler looking like she was at the end of her rope. 

"Enough, you two. Hanzo. Come with me" her voice was commanding but still gentle, somehow. Hanzo had no choice but to follow down the white hallways in a silence that grew uncomfortable as he realized something. He and Angela weren't headed down towards the normal medical wing, they were going somewhere much more...intense. That was made clear by some of the foreign medical equipment they passed in the hall. 

Eventually they came to a broad room wit a large window on one side and stopped before the glass. Inside the room, Hanzo could see medical equipment that looked downright unpleasant, white walls, white floors, a white bed, and one body laying on that bed. A beeping sound could be heard from the other side that seemed to fade into the background as Hanzo put two and two together and realized who it was on that bed. It was one Jesse McCree, laying on that bed in a state Hanzo had wished he would never have to see the man he loved in. 

Jesse lay completely motionless and with his brown locks unwashed and hanging in messy strands over his face. A strange metal mask was strapped over his mouth and below his nose with an even stranger tube attached in the middle, his unkempt beard poking out from below it. Jesse was also much paler than normal, his skin almost an ashy gray color. The whole image seemed off in a painful, heart-wrenching way. Jesse was known for dressing strangely, if the spurred boots, chaps, serape and hat wasn't an indication of that. Now he just had a simple white gown on that showed none of the personality that Hanzo loved so much, it simply couldn't. It also occurred to him that despite Jesse usually having his own special way of making himself known to agents when he walked in, usually in a low drawl of "Howdy, partner", now he just lay there, unable to make a single word and with that awful mask over his mouth. 

Hanzo pressed his hand against the glass, desperately wishing he could be holding Jesse's hand instead, lost in his own thoughts for a moment as he realized suddenly that Angela was talking again. 

"We revived him successfully when we found the two of you, but he's been unresponsive the whole time you were unconscious. He's not showing any improvement" Those words took his breath away and made his lungs feel like ice. Revived him? That meant...oh god that meant he had to have died somehow on the last mission they were on. Why hadn't he been there to protect Jesse? "He's been unresponsive" must mean that Caduceus technology hadn't been able to fully save him yet, which sent a brief flash of anger directed at Angela through his thoughts. 

"If he continues not to improve?" God, he didn't even want to think about it, but he had to know. Anything but death, please Angela, he begged internally, though he knew he wouldn't be so lucky.

"Well, there's only so much we can do...I'm sorry to say it but I suggest that you prepare for the worst" The casual, uncaring tone she used made Hanzo want to shout, but instead he just nodded as she walked away. As soon as she had left, he gazed back into the room, at the form of the man he loved looking as pale as a dead man and just as bad. His unmoving form, the warning to "prepare for the worst" and the knowledge that he had failed to protect Jesse was too much for him in that moment. He leaned his head against the window and curled his fists near his face, almost like how a child would, and let the tears flow. They were fat, ugly tears and he knew his dignity would be damaged if anyone were to come across him crying, but compared to the situation he and Jesse faced, he couldn't force himself to care about that if he tried. 

He was visited in his room by Genji the next day, who told him what had happened in the mission. Hanzo had been badly injured while on the job for the first time in quite a while. He also knew there was a nasty head injury but Genji refused to tell what it was, and Hanzo knew from that it had to have been truly bad if his own brother wouldn’t say. The other had been a gunshot wound to the chest, one that had easily been fixed by Angela's staff once she arrived, but before then, Jesse had gone to cover only to see Hanzo laying on the ground, bleeding out from the chest and barely breathing. Genji had told him that Jesse had snapped, but not before trying to shield Hanzo's body from the hail of bullets coming their way. Genji even reported that Jesse's hat had been shot clean off his head and Hanzo's heart fell to know that he had come so close to being shot in the head and killed instantly. Maybe that would be better than to be stuck in a coma, though, he thought and nearly slapped himself for even thinking of wanting Jesse McCree dead in any form. There was amazement in Genji's robotic voice when he explained how on earth he kept the gunmen from killing them before Mercy could arrive. Jesse had reportedly used Peacekeeper to summon the twin dragons with a hoarse cry of "It's High Noon", calling upon their strength to rip the men limb from limb for daring to hurt their master. Hanzo also had a sinking feeling that's why Jesse hadn't woken up and was facing the very real risk of dying. Summoning the dragons wasn't horribly exerting for either him or Genji since they had been doing so since childhood but for a man to do so while already weakened from injury and no prior experience with the toll they had on the summoner? That would definitely cause some long-lasting physical damage and once again, Hanzo cursed his foolishness, both his own and Jesse's for doing so while being fully aware of the dangers. He had always been a reckless man when it came to protecting Hanzo, though. 

The thing that really got Hanzo's heart hurting was when Genji had told him what he said upon finding Hanzo's body. A last-resort promise from Jesse to Genji, the first vocal acceptance of the cowboys own death had been uttered on the battlefield, barely audible to the ordinary but fully registered by Genji thanks to his visor's upgrades. It was a brief interaction, glossed over in the retelling, but still carried a significance in the aftermath of the fight. 

"You said you wouldn't leave" Jesse had said while cradling Hanzo's body to his, trying to stop the blood and ignoring having his beloved hat, his pride and joy alongside Peacekeeper blown clean off his head, not even registering how close he had come to death in that instant. It was very true that Hanzo had promised never to leave Jesse's side, but he never expected to have almost broken their oath so quickly. 

"Come on, Sweetheart, we're leaving together". Hanzo cursed at hearing of Jesse's overwhelming sacrifice, though he knew it would not make any difference at all. How could the selfless cowboy he had grown to know and love be so willing to die right then and there, to throw the rest of his life away just for Hanzo? It was both flattering and heartbreaking to know that Jesse, reluctant or not, had wanted death as opposed to having to keep living without him. It took a few moments for him to realize he was crying again. Not as ugly as earlier but still humiliating. Genji had tried to comfort him, told him that Jesse would get through it because he was a fighter who wouldn't give up so easily but he knew that when Hanzo had been inches from death in Jesse's arms, the cowboy had given up so easily it was frightening. It was a long shot but Hanzo just hoped that Jesse somehow knew that his lover was still alive, hoped even more desperately that he wouldn't give up on his life so easily again and would come back to Hanzo. The tears hadn't stopped for several long minutes and when Angela came in to check up on him with no updates on Jesse's improvement, they had only started up again. He knew he had to keep hope for Jesse's recovery but now it seemed like the whole world was against it and the feeling of helplessness that it created was a heavy pressure he wasn't used to. Not in the form of one comatose cowboy, at least.

As the days dragged on into weeks, then weeks into months, Hanzo found that keeping hope for Jesse to recover from the injuries was growing harder and harder. He feared that any day now he would receive the dreaded news that the time they had given Jesse to recover was over. Genji and Zenyatta of all people kept trying to convince him that no, they wouldn't do that to him but Angela's words to him kept replaying in his head. "Prepare for the worst", she had said and he had tried his hardest to prepare himself for a potential life without Jesse McCree by his side but that life had always seemed like a horrid nightmare. That's all real life felt like now, too. Just another horrible dream that Jesse would wake him up from with kisses and words of concern, then life would go back to normal with a smiling, loud, colorful cowboy right next to him when he woke up again. 

The months since Angela had shown him Jesse's true condition shattered that thought effectively and now life was surreal. Months, or even years ago, the thought of McCree silenced by something as awful as a coma brought on by his own dragons, though unintentionally, seemed impossible as Jesse was too hard to hold down but now everybody knew the truth. 

Other agents had noticed the absence and almost all seemed downtrodden by the lack of cheerfulness that Jesse always brought to a room with him. Genji noticed in the lack of a sparring partner and best friend, Angela and Lucio noticed as their top-priority patient, Hana, Lena and even people he hadn't known all that well like Jamison seemed bummed out by the friend they could confide (almost) anything to now laying in a bed, cold and still as the dead. 

Now, holding onto whatever fraction of hope he had left, Hanzo sat alone at his and Jesse's special spot at a small cliff overlooking a wide body of water. In his lap he held Jesse's hat, gently gripping the brim to prevent it from flying away again. He used to hate the hat long ago, he once thought of it as tacky and cheap, but over the years he had learned how much it meant to the man and had become reluctantly fond of it too. It was once part of a dumb façade he thought the cowboy had and was now one of the only things he had to hold onto that reminded him of Jesse in every way. He had considered bringing his cowboy's favorite serape to the Cliffside too, but decided against it as the dust would certainly upset Jesse if he woke up again. It was only a moment later he mentally scolded himself for thinking "if he woke up", not "when he woke up". Whatever hope he could spare, he had to cling to, praying it made some difference, though he knew it probably not.

That's how he spent several days a week that weren't spent just training or attempting to meditate with his brother and that strange Omnic monk. Just sitting upon the Cliffside, undisturbed and trying to make peace with himself, hat in hand and a frown etched onto his face. The routine was never broken until one day when he heard the sound of gently approaching footsteps. Assuming it was Genji back with more comforting words, he didn't say anything until Lucio spoke instead. 

"Hey, man" the grim undertones of the voice gave Hanzo a feeling of dread, though he masked it on his face he turned to see Lucio leaning against the twisted tree that marked their spot. 

"We've decided to make the call, Mr. Shimada. Do you have any input on this?" Lucio was staring out at the water and pointedly avoiding meeting Hanzo's gaze, good thing. He could barely contain the heartbreak written across his face as he shakily took a breath and pointed his gaze down at Jesse's hat. 

"Is there any chance that Jesse could-" Lucio sighed and looked away. 

"He's...not coming back, Mr. Shimada" Those words...they were the ones Hanzo had been dreading since he had first discovered Jesse's condition. He considered asking how long Jesse had been dead to the world, but he knew that deep down inside, the answer would kill him, though just metaphorically. He sucked in a shaky breath that turned into a rattling sigh as he prayed that his voice wouldn't break too much. 

"Then let us be done with it" He didn't need to say any more than that for Lucio to understand his point but he still hates how easily said it was and how simple the statement was. To him, it sounded way too much like an acceptance of Jesse's imminent death and not the beginning of something that would break his heart for much longer than he had prepared for. Accepting that Jesse would be dead in mere minutes was impossible but he still followed Lucio back to that damned hallway and that room but this time, he was let inside. He was immediately met with that same beeping noise, same tempo as the last time he'd heard it months ago. Jesse still had that awful mask and tube over his mouth and Hanzo realized with a start that was the very thing that had kept him breathing this whole time, probably fed and well hydrated too. Lucio went over to fiddle with some switches while Hanzo made a beeline for Jesse's bed and sat down beside him. He had been eagerly awaiting the day he could see Jesse again, but he had never once hoped it would be like this. 

"Hey....I brought your hat" He began, voice cracking on the last word. The hat Jesse loved so much was laid delicately atop Jesse's nearly still chest as Hanzo took one of Jesse's cold, pale hands in his own. The freezing temperature of Jesse's hand shouldn't have surprised him so much, but it was still an unpleasant shock at first. 

"I'll be turning off the life support and then I'll...give you two some privacy" Hanzo nodded in Lucio's general direction. Never once taking his eyes off Jesse's face and that awful mask. It simply looked too wrong on him. 

"Godspeed, Eastwood" Lucio mumbled to him, laying a supportive hand on his shoulder as he passed. He heard Lucio flick a switch and the sound of machinery powering down filled the room. 

"Let's get this off" he murmured, pulling the strap off of the mask and sliding it off Jesse's face. As soon as the cold metal was off, he looked so much more like the Jesse McCree Hanzo knew so well. 

"Much better" Even though it wasn't. It really wasn't and Hanzo knew this fully well but couldn't stop himself from appreciating Jesse's looks one more time. If it weren't for the pale skin, it would have looked like Jesse was just sleeping and could easily be woken again. Every other little detail was correct, and that broke Hanzo's heart a little further. How he wished he could wake Jesse up, he'd give up anything just to see Jesse awake and breathing and alive again, all evidence pointed to it being too late. 

"I've been sitting at our spot and thinking of what to say to you.....but words fail me" the beeping of the heart monitor was getting slightly faster, repetitive beeping nearly cutting into his thoughts, but he focused back on Jesse, on the dying man before him and words found him again. 

"All I can think to say is...I'm sorry for every time I was cold....or harsh. For every time that I spurned you..." And God, there were so many times he'd been a total ass to Jesse and felt no remorse about it. Whether it was making rude comments about the Cowboy's favorite hat, harshly criticizing his gun technique or replying to compliments and friendly gestures with a distinct lack of interest, he knew he had been a fool to treat Jesse like that and it had badly affected anything resembling a friendship they had shared for years. Until Hanzo had decided to finally pull his head from the sand and treat Jesse like a human being instead of dirt beneath his foot. 

"I wish I could take it all back, Jesse" He truly meant those words. If he could somehow turn back the clock, he would walk right up to his younger self and shake some sense into the younger version of him that had treated Jesse so poorly for so long He just hoped now that Jesse still could hear him and knew how truly sorry he was as the beeping got faster and faster.

"I love you so much...Forgive me" Forgive me for how I treated you, forgive me for not protecting you, forgive me for not fighting harder to give you more time to come back to me. There were so many meanings to his words that blended into once sentence, just like how the rapid beeping noises ironed themselves into one sustained beep. Large tears were rolling down his nose onto Jesse's cheeks making it look like he too was crying and Hanzo couldn't help himself. He simply broke down next to Jesse's body, letting out all the rage and guilt and other blurred emotions he had been holding inside for weeks. 

"I...I will come for you....

wait for me" he managed to choke out past through heaving lungs and shuddering breaths. His mind simply wouldn't accept that Jesse was dead, that the young man's blood was on his hands. Couldn't possibly accept it...right? 

Genji ran down the hallway towards where Angela had instructed him to go as fast as his legs could handle without him slipping on the floor. All she had done was grab him by the shoulder, look him square in the eyes and said "You need to be there for Hanzo". He had a good idea of what she was talking about, but he too did not want to accept that Jesse McCree was dead and gone. Jesse had always been a best friend and confidant to the younger Shimada and it truly hurt to think that the doctors had just let him die in such a way, but how he felt was certainly small potatoes compared to the inconsolability and bitter guilt he knew Hanzo's state would be. As he approached the door, he heard a great shout in what could only be Hanzo's voice. He gave little whining sound as there was a thump that didn't sound good in any way as he threw the door open and took in what he was seeing. Hanzo was sitting on the bed with his arms wrapped tight around the still form of Jesse, tears running down his cheeks and red in the face. Blue Energy was rising from his dragon tattoo and Lucio was backing up in fear as Hanzo snarled at him. 

"I will not let you take him from me again!" he yelled, making Genji flinch slightly. The energy was getting brighter, taking shape and the risk of harming Lucio was running high. He ran forward, ignoring the piercing glare his elder brother sent his way, only seeing the heartbroken, crushed man beneath it. 

"Anija, stop!" he cried, holding his hands out like he was faced by a wounded animal. Hanzo hadn't replied in words, just kept holding Jesse's cold body to his own and crying like his whole world had just been taken away and for all accounts and purposes, it had. Not including Genji, Jesse was the only one Hanzo truly loved and cared about, though in a different way. All he could do was hold his brother close and try to slow the tears to no success. One thing was clear to all who knew what had happened to Jesse and the relationship he shared with the late Jesse McCree. It would take years or maybe even decades for Hanzo to truly move on from this loss.

Hanzo found himself the next day in Jesse's room, though how he got in there or why, he had no idea. Everything in the room was so neatly laid out, just like it had been before the mission. Judging by the pile of clean, stacked clothes waiting to be sorted on the floor, the wayward state of the small desk and the BAMF belt buckle still laying on the bedside table, it was clear that Jesse had every intention of coming back to both his room, and Hanzo. Neither goal had been fulfilled as the room would soon be cleared out to make room for another Agent, and most of Jesse's things would be going with it. Hanzo had been allowed to keep a few things, though like Jesse's hat, his belt buckle and Peacekeeper, though and he knew he would treasure those things for years to come. It was a good thing they had taken all the bullets out of Peacekeeper, though as the thought of how easy it would be to take his own lover's gun and blow his brains out with it crossed his mind more than once. He simply sat on the floor with Jesse's hat clutched close to his chest again, Peacekeeper in the floor before him and memories of Jesse's love running through his head. Slow tears were running down his cheeks again and he made no effort to wipe them away or slow them. 

"I thought I would find you in here" came the saddened voice of Genji from the doorway. He hadn't heard Genji even come in but when his brother sat down beside him, he knew he couldn't toss him out. 

"He...he's gone, Genji...he's gone, I will never see him again and it's all my fault," he sobbed , tears leaving little dark patches on the hat. 

"It is not your fault, brother" 

"He died because I was too weak to defend myself. He died to protect me," he gasped, "how could that not be my fault?" Genji couldn't truthfully answer so he placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to console him in some way. 

"I know how much this hurts, but I will not let you follow him by starving yourself to death. Hanzo, you know that Jesse would have wanted you to be strong for him. Make him proud" The tears didnt slow, neither did the hitched breathing and heavy lungs, but he knew it was true. Jesse wouldn't have wanted Hanzo to give up on life just because he was dead. He remembered Jesse saying he wasnt worth it and while Hanzo had passionately disagreed, he knew that it was what Jesse wanted for him, not for his lover to be slowly killing himself and letting his health get away from him.  

"I miss him too but we need to stay strong. I know you can do it and so does he" Staying strong for the sake of a dead man he loved would be no easy feat, but Genji knew that his brother would go to hell and back for Jesse and now was (he hoped) no exception. It might take him years, decades even to see that hat or Peacekeeper and not be flooded with grief and guilt, but he swore he would stay by his brother's side the whole way and take care of him. He had a last-resort promise to Jesse McCreee that he needed to uphold: Keep Hanzo safe when I'm gone, no matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m thinking of making a sequel to this with no outside influence (no comic inspiration, just my own ideas out “on paper”) but idk about it yet


End file.
